Swimming Without a Life Jacket

At the beginning of the summer my four-year-old daughter played with her friends in the pool secure in her life jacket. She could jump off the side go any where she wanted. She could thrive in the water there were no limits. We were watching her but evidently not close enough. She took off her jacket and slipped into the pool. By the grace of God she managed to get to the edge and out by herself. So scary! When I grabbed her and lifted her up the first thing she said was "I thought I could swim."

The last few days have been hard. I have no one to blame but myself. My youngest has been waking a lot at night and I have been exhausted. I have been keeping my fast and taking my quiet times but they have dwindled from 30 minutes a day to 5 or 10 minutes when I can catch it.

I can't help but think of when I spend my needed time with him it is like putting on the life jacket. I can handle the deep water and waves because I am secure. However, I had become so confident as I rode the waves and kept afloat in the deep waters that I forgot that I was not doing it on my own ability. Giving God a token few minutes so you can check it off the list isn't really putting on the life jacket, maybe just holding the strap.

This week it was clear that by not choosing to daily to lay my business aside and pick up the business of God, I really tend to be a mess. As I treaded water holding the jacket instead of putting it on I began to feel overwhelmed by the waves, concerned about the wind, at moment certain I might drown. Today I woke up frustrated, angry, irritated at what? Life, I guess. By 10 am I knew this was not the me I wanted. I wanted the jacket. I wanted to stop trying to swim on my own and rest. I grabbed my Bible and some praise music. The jacket is back on and I am at rest.

This time has taught me so much but mostly it has taught me that I like myself and my life so much better when I carve out special time for just God and me. My life with me as the center is boring and stressful.

LORD, I choose You today and help me remember to choose You fully every day.

With Jesus in the Boat

Did you ever sing that song as a child. Or if you are like me you have sung it often with your kids as you tuck them in at night. If you don't know it the complete phrase is "With Jesus in the boat, you can smile at the storm." I wouldn't say I have had a storm in my life lately but there has definitely been a lot of wind and a few waves. The wind hasn't let up and I am not sure when it will, but in all the times I have faced life's stresses this one stands out. It is different.

Normally when life throws a huge challenge our way, I stress, I fret, I worry until I figure a solution or finally reluctantly wait to see what God will do. This time I feel as if i am looking at the storm holding God's hand waiting to see what he'll do. Anxious to see his miracles and mercies. So why is is different? I have been following God for 30 years. Why is it different now? All I can guess is that as I have risen and invited Jesus in my boat daily it has made all the difference.

So, let the wind blow. My God is big enough.

With Jesus in the boat, I can smile at the storm.
Smile at the storm.
Smile at the storm.
With Jesus in the boat, I can smile at the storm.
As I am sailing home!

Lord - Help me never be content again with a life with You on the shore. Remind me to daily invite you into my boat that I will only face storms or calm with You at my side.

Come near to me...

James 4:8 - Come near to God and he will come near to you.

I have heard this my whole live and yet I never cease to be amazed to see it come to fruition in my life. I am always been inconsistent with my quiet time and prayer life. During these six weeks, I have committed to doing it daily. After just ten days I find what once was a struggle to fit in my day is not the center. I look forward to that close quite time with my Lord. I feel his presence in a way I never known before and I can't imagine ever going back.

LORD, when I allow my self and life's busyness to start squeezing you out. Remind me of this post. Life with you as the center is the the one I want the one I NEED.

Where can I find REAL rest?

(This is bit of a tag on from the last post but it has a different point - also the previous one was actually from yesterday just slow to post it. Oh well.)

As a stay at home mom, I try to remember that cleaning the house, laundry, meals, diaper changes, etc. are more than mundane daily tasks. They are chances to serve my family. However, exhaustion of the day sets in and I just need a rest. But therein lies the problem. I need a rest and so I pursue escape. Up until recently I had thought they were the same. But the truth is, when I watch too much movies, TV, read fiction, or facebook, I don't feel rested, I feel lethargic. For me lethargic doesn't make me want to be productive or sleep. Just Blah.

SO...Am I saying that I am ready to rid my life of these forever. Are you kidding? I love a good story and I will always love a good story. I am counting the days until I can check the dollar theater again. My cousin Rebekah one encouraged me to STOP before I make a decision and think about it before I make it. That can be said for so many areas but here I see it hold so true. STOP. Am I going to watch this because I want to enjoy a good story or am I watching this to escape because I want a rest. If it is the second, perhaps I should seek the only One that can give real rest.

Addicted to Selfishness

Hello, my name is Tari and I am addicted to selfishness. I am not trying to be dramatic. The more I am going through this time of reflection, prayer and fasting from TV/movies. I am faced with one BIG thing...I like to be selfish. I m not saying that I want to be selfish. I want to be a selfless mother who graciously gives of all her time serving her children and her family though one-on-one time with them, and daily tasks such as cooking, cleaning, and all that needs done. That is what I want to be. What I AM is selfish.

I could claim that I am a victim of society. A society that tells me that "I deserve a break today", "I can have it my way", or even "I can have it all." However, no matter what society has drilled into me since I was old enough to watch TV, the truth is, selfishness is as old as Adam and Eve. Why did Eve take a bite? She wanted it all. She wanted it her way. Forget the perfect plan of the Creator of the Universe, she wanted it her way.

All said and done, I am still amazed how much this mind set has taken hold in my life. I was raised in a bible church that preached denying one self and living like Christ my whole life. I have been pursuing this since my teenage years. Then why am I still so selfish? Oh I am good at being less selfish where strangers or friends are concerned (or at least better;) )

But at home I want to rest, I have a headache, I want a few minutes to my self, I, I, I,... Taking TV and Movies out of the equation has helped open my eyes a little. I didn't realize how much time I spent in the evening occupying my self with them. But more is the struggle of what to do with my time now. I could clean. But everything with in me shouts "NO! This is my time. Kids are in bed. ME ME ME."

Selfishness is not what I was created for.

LORD, help me to see my family as a place to serve. Help me to daily put them before my needs, wants, and desires.

Object at rest will stay at rest...

Sorry I didn't post much over the weekend. It was a weekend of ups and downs. Spending time with God was great but I am struggling with allergies right now so I struggled with headaches and sleep. But now that I realize it IS allergies I can treat it appropriately and will feel better....I hope. :)

This weekend I felt very clear that God wanted me to obey something I he has called me to do for years. To wake up early 6:30am and time my time with Him FIRST. I am NOT a morning person. But I have discovered that regardless of when I get up, whether it is 9am or 6:30am, I don't want to get up. I like to sleep and I am case and point of the theory "Object at rest, stay at rest."

Last night as I crawled into bed I set my alarm, I Prayed, "Okay, God. I have done my part. I am in bed by 10:00, alarm is set, coffee will turn on at 6:25. I need just two things from you. I need to fall asleep and I need help waking up." I fell asleep quickly and woke up on my own at 6:29.

It was a good morning and I had a great start to my day. I would love to write more but it is after 8am and my kids are ready for breakfast. :)

Lest the Rocks Cry Out

That is how I feel right now. I must praise Him or the rocks will cry out. Needless to say I had a great night at Bible study and today in my quiet time. Of course the day hasn't been perfect. The kids decided to play in the mud with the dog this morning and the house is still in shambles. But it is amazing how a little time carved out for God to speak can place everything back in perspective.

My sister Janette and my dear friend Mary have been doing A LOT to help me prepare for the conference but this week both have a very full schedule so I am at a standstill. I wait. It has been so good for me to wait. When life pauses I am forced to realize that I wait not on man but on God and He wants to teach me each step of the way. I seek God and realize that this is God's book, God's story, God's ministry. I will do my best to prepare but God's will be done.

Day one is all up hill.

Wow - First day of a new commitment is always hard. Kids didn't nap. House is a mess. Fighting a migraine. Bible Study tonight and I feel overwhelmed. I need to let all the frustration drive me to God. I'd really like to shut my door and escape into a movie but I know that isn't what I need. I did get my time with God this morning but I think I need some more. :) Thanks for your prayers.

Fasting and Prayer

Some of you know that I have written a book but for those of you who don't let me briefly catch you up.

I started writing fiction about six years ago for fun. It has been a slow adventure but then again I was having three kids also. :) Over the past six years, God has placed key people to help, encourage, and push me along in the process. It has truly been amazing to watch God's hand at work in this way. Placing the right people in my life just when I needed them. If you don't know much about getting published, then I will tell you it is a long and hard process. This past spring I submitted to an agent and received a rejection but the letter was encouraging and gave some helpful suggestions. I also made a great new friend through my parent this summer who has been so helpful I can't even begin to tell you. One of the suggestions of the agent was to join the American Christian Fiction Writers gild. I did and about a moth ago I fell strongly that I needed to find a way to attend the conference in September. Again God has provided a way and I will be leaving six weeks from today.

Ok, now you are caught up let's get back to the point. I feel very strongly that I need to go to this conference. I am not clear why. There will be many opportunities to meet with agents and publishers but I am not sure the reason that God wants me to go is cause the book is ready to be signed. It may be that I will meet people and learn things that I need to learn to go to the next level in my writing. I am content with whatever the reason is.

They have a very helpful loop for first time conference attendees and every day my email is filled with suggestions and questions from others as to what to expect. The problem is the more I read the more I feel discouraged of my own writing, my abilities, and why I am even doing this.

I recognize two things. If God wants this book to be published he will get it there. He can use my little effort to work for His kingdom. I also recognize that my perspective on life and this book only stays "healthy" when I am daily seeking God and time in prayer with Him.

The last month as I have prepared has been a roller coaster for me. Tackling the world one day, drowning the next. I have decided that I need to do two things to make the next six weeks positive and the conference truly fruitful. PRAY and FAST. This isn't a new concept, I know, but I need to take it seriously.

This where you came in. I need you all to pray for me and keep me accountable to my fast. Face it, I am NOT a disciplined person. If you feel led any day to drop a note, I would love it. But if you don't have time I understand.

For the next six weeks, I am committing to spending time in the scripture and in prayer EVERYDAY with the Lord. I am also committing to fasting all TV and movie entertainment.

TV is not bad but I recognize that it tends to be my go to when I am stressed and I need that to be God. I will try to regularly update this (more than I have been) and let you know how it is going and what God is teaching me. Blessings.

The Disobedient Daughter

I know, two posts in two days. Amazing. Don't get used to it. Also as long as I am running off topic here let me add that these thoughts are by no means me thinking I have the answers but rather I am processing a lot of questions. Feel free to comment and respond if you have any insight for your own life experience or study in scripture.

Back to topic...The Disobedient Daughter.

Obedience seems so simple when I am asking my children to do something but it seems a lot trickier when I am the child and God is asking me to do something. A few months ago I was really struggling with obedience to God. I clearly knew what he wanted me to do and I repeatedly disobeyed. During this time I really struggled with doubt. Not doubt in God or in my faith but doubt that my God would continue to love me as I failed to obey.

One day in the midst of this on going struggle, I had a special surprise outing planned for my four year old daughter. I was so excited and an hour before we were supposed to leave she decided to dig in her heals and defy me at every turn. I was so frustrated. Couldn't she see that I had her best interest at heart and if she chose to obey I wanted to do so much for her.

It hit me. My daughters actions don't effect my love for her. There is nothing she could do to make me love her less. However, I can do so much more for her when she chooses to obey. My disobedience won't change God's love for me but I may miss out on something special He wants to do for me.

Like a loving parent, God really does have our best in mind. Like a stubborn four-year-old, I occasionally fight those instructions.

Lord, help me to deny my selfish will of putting myself first and submit my heart and will to You, my loving Heavenly Father.

To Serve or Not to Serve?

Twenty years go this summer my life changed directions. I was sitting on a small grassy hill enjoying the shade at Rancho Betania in Mexico and listening to Dave Roller give his daily devotional. He challenged us to really listen to God. God has a plan for all of us and for some of us that meant a career of Ministry. As clear as if lightning had flashed I knew he was talking about me. There were times I tried to fight it. I worked out a four-year-plan for almost every major in college before I settled on Christian Ministry.

I was great at science but the idea of a career in science always left me feeling empty. I have done quite a bit with photography and made some good money doing it but the idea of making that my life direction doesn't bring me joy. I am not saying that one can not minister for God in these areas but I knew God was asking me to do something else.

Most people who go into ministry know exactly what they want to do: be a missionary, be a pastor, be a worship leader. Me? I have always just stepped in where I was needed. I never had to figure out where to serve. The opportunities seemed to find me. Therefore, I never really prayed about whether I should serve in a particular area in the church. If a need arose and I was equipped, I helped. Lately this is becoming a problem. I have been feeling led away from church ministry and more toward a personal ministry God has given me, writing.

I wrote a Christian fiction novel and have been enduring the long process of trying to get it published. (I am sure the details will come out in later post since I'd rather not add a rabbit trail here.) So, back to my original question. To serve or not to serve?

When I hear about what needs are in the church my immediate response is, "I can help." Then the reality of what I have committed to appears in my calender and stress comes followed but the frustration that what I feel most passionate about suffers. A new friend told me the other day that her husband has the gift of service. A person with this gift often jumps in to help with out stopping to ask God if he or she should be the one to jump.

Lord, help me to serve You with a pure heart. Help me to spend my time and energy where You want me. For Your glory not for mine.

Why am I blogging?

Lately I have felt more of a desire to try blogging again. But this attempt will be different than the others. I am an external processor and my desire is to use this space to talk about what I am learning and what God is teaching me.

I can't promise it will be witty and highly entertaining but since God isn't boring I don't think it will be boring either.

You may wonder at the title "Less of me." I want to be be a reflection of Christ. But to be a true reflection of Jesus I need God to fill me. More if Him less of me.

God has been taking me on quite a journey and if you choose to stop by every once and a while. Welcome.